Zodiac Signs as Grapes, Unfortunately

Aries — Zinfandel

Aries enters a room with the subtlety of a Milan fashion student entering a farmer's market.

So obviously, Zinfandel.

Bold fruit. Big energy. High alcohol if nobody is supervising. Absolutely no interest in being described as “subtle.”

Aries and Zinfandel share the same philosophy: if we are doing something, why would we do it quietly?

You are spontaneous, competitive, loyal to your people and occasionally responsible for decisions that say “Wait. I have an idea.”

Nobody has ever heard an Aries say that sentence and experienced peace afterward.

Why we love you: Courage.

Why you’re exhausting: You believe consequences are something that happens later.

Sommelier’s Note: Zinfandel can go from bright and juicy to enormous and concentrated, but whichever version shows up, personality is rarely the problem.

Taurus — Merlot

Taurus would like everyone to stop talking and bring the cheese board over, with a full salami flower and herbed almonds. Thank you.

You like comfort. You like beautiful things. You like food. You like soft blankets. You like restaurants where nobody is trying to rush you out after ninety minutes.

And once you've decided you like something, absolutely nobody is going to convince you otherwise.

Merlot gets it. Soft texture. Plush fruit. Generous. Comforting.

People underestimate Merlot because it seems easygoing. That is also how Taurus tricks people.

Everything is lovely until somebody tries to change the dinner reservation. After that, good luck getting on their good side :)

Why we love you: Loyalty.

Why you’re exhausting: You’re not stubborn. You’re simply right, and apparently everyone else needs more time to realise it.

Sommelier’s Note: Merlot may feel plush and approachable, but great examples can also have serious structure and age for years.

Much like you pretending not to care while remembering something somebody said in 2018.

Gemini — Cabernet Sauvignon

I know. You expected Gemini to be something light, chaotic and sparkling.

No.

Gemini is Cabernet Sauvignon. Because A - everybody thinks they know Cabernet Sauvignon.And then Cabernet Sauvignon changes completely depending on where you meet it. And B - I am a Gemini, I love Cabernet and I get to decide what goes in this article. Moving on.

Napa Cab? Confident. Powerful. Expensive sunglasses.

Bordeaux Cabernet? More restrained. Intellectual. Probably owns several leather boots.

Coonawarra? Suddenly we're talking eucalyptus.

Chile? Different conversation entirely.

Cabernet travels. Cabernet adapts. Cabernet collects accents.

And Gemini does exactly the same thing. You're curious enough to talk to literally anybody, bold enough to walk into somewhere alone, and mentally five conversations ahead of everyone else.

People call you inconsistent. You call it having range.

Also, Cabernet Sauvignon itself is the child of Cabernet Franc and Sauvignon Blanc, which feels suspiciously appropriate for Gemini. We are a lovechild. We arrived with multiple personalities in the family tree.

Why we love you: Curiosity.

Why you’re exhausting: You started another story before finishing the first one, and somehow there are now three additional people involved.

Sommelier’s Note: Cabernet Sauvignon travels remarkably well. Change the climate, soil and winemaking and you can get a completely different expression without losing the grape underneath.

You don't have two personalities.

You have terroir.

Cancer — Pinot Noir

Oh, Cancer.

Pinot Noir is sensitive to everything. Heat. Weather. Soil. Handling. Probably someone's tone of voice.

Sound familiar?

Pinot Noir can be extraordinarily beautiful, but it does not enjoy being mistreated. Neither do you.

You care deeply. You attach meaning to things other people have already forgotten. You remember birthdays, conversations, the exact way somebody looked at you across a table six years ago.

And when somebody says, “It wasn't that deep,” you take that as a personal challenge. It was.

Everything is.

Why we love you: Emotional depth.

Why you’re exhausting: You remember things nobody else knew were important.

Sommelier’s Note: Pinot Noir is thin-skinned, delicate and famously sensitive to where and how it is grown.

Which is perhaps the most Cancer sentence ever written.

Leo — Grenache

People assume Leo needs to be the biggest, loudest grape in the room. That's boring.

Leo is Grenache.

Warm. Generous. Charismatic. Affectionate.

You want everybody to have fun, preferably only while admiring your outfit.

You love your people fiercely. You defend your friends like you've been retained as legal counsel. And your natural response to somebody you love succeeding is:

“THAT'S MY GIRL.” 

Grenache also happens to be brilliant in blends. Because despite the stereotype, Leo doesn't actually need to stand alone.

Leo needs a crew. They simply expect the crew to acknowledge who organised dinner. Think Blair Waldorf in Gossip Girl.

Why we love you: Generosity.

Why you’re exhausting: If nobody compliments you, you will assume something is medically wrong with the room.

Sommelier’s Note: Grenache is famous for bringing warmth, ripe fruit and generosity to blends while still having enough personality to hold its own.

Main-character energy. Excellent supporting actor. Impossible combination.

Very Leo.

Virgo — Riesling

Virgo calls the restaurant to send an updated wine list  before arriving.

Obviously.

You noticed the typo on page three. You also noticed that everybody else is holding their glass incorrectly, but you're trying very hard to grow as a person.

Riesling is precise. Acid-driven. Transparent. Detailed. It doesn't hide much.

And Virgo does not understand why anybody else would.

You are organised because somebody has to be. You ask questions because details matter. And yes, perhaps you created a spreadsheet for the vacation.

Everybody laughed.

Everybody also used the spreadsheet.

Why we love you: Competence.

Why you’re exhausting: You have said “I don't care” while caring at an Olympic level.

Sommelier’s Note: Riesling can communicate tiny differences in site, ripeness and climate with almost unreasonable clarity.

Which means Riesling notices everything.

Obviously.

Libra — Chardonnay

Libra could be anything.

That's the problem.

Chardonnay understands. Unoaked and mineral? Sure. Rich and buttery? Absolutely. Sparkling wine? Why not.

Burgundy?

California?

Australia?

Tuesday?

Chardonnay can adjust.

And Libra is the person who can go from farmers market in linen to black-tie dinner in six hours without emotionally preparing.

You understand atmosphere. You understand presentation. You understand that sometimes choosing between two restaurants is simply impossible because both have compelling arguments.

You are not indecisive like the Tarot reader says,  You are considering nuance. For forty-five minutes.

Why we love you: Charm.

Why you’re exhausting: “I'm fine with anything” is immediately followed by rejecting six options.

Sommelier’s Note: Few grapes transform as dramatically through climate and winemaking as Chardonnay. Crisp, rich, oaked, unoaked, sparkling—it understood the dress code before you did.

Basically: wardrobe changes.

Scorpio — Nebbiolo

Nebbiolo smells like roses. Lovely. Romantic. Delicate.

Then you taste it and discover tannins that could ruin your afternoon.

Scorpio. You are magnetic, private, observant and approximately nine emotional layers deeper into every situation than everybody else involved.

People meet you and think:

“Interesting.”

Three months later they're writing poetry.

You don't reveal everything immediately.

Why would you?

Access is earned. Nebbiolo agrees.

Why we love you: Intensity.

Why you’re exhausting: You already know what they did. You're simply waiting to see if they'll admit it.

Sommelier’s Note: Nebbiolo can look deceptively pale in the glass while carrying formidable tannin, acidity and structure.

Never judge intensity by colour.

Or eye contact.

Sagittarius — Sauvignon Blanc

Sagittarius has three tabs open for flights while you're still discussing whether everyone is free next weekend.

Sauvignon Blanc belongs everywhere.

France. New Zealand. Chile. California. South Africa.

Sagittarius sees this and says:

“Exactly.”

You need movement. Novelty. Stories. Something new to taste. Somebody new to talk to. Routine makes you itchy.

You are also extremely honest. Sometimes brutally so. Sometimes someone has to kick you underneath the table.

Sauvignon Blanc has similar issues with subtlety. When it has something to say, you will smell it.

Why we love you: Adventure.

Why you’re exhausting: “We should just go” has financially ruined several people.

Sommelier’s Note: Sauvignon Blanc is famously expressive and can change dramatically with climate—from grassy and herbal to citrusy, tropical and intensely aromatic.

Passport grape. Passport sign.

Capricorn — Sangiovese

Capricorn does not need to tell you they're serious. You will know.

Sangiovese has structure. Tradition. History. It would like flowers with dinner and a plan for the next week.

Capricorn respects people who do what they said they were going to do. Which apparently eliminates more than half the population.

You are ambitious, dependable and occasionally incapable of relaxing without turning relaxation into a measurable objective.

“I'm taking Sunday off.”

Great.

Why is there an itinerary?

Why we love you: Discipline.

Why you’re exhausting: You turned your hobby into a side hustle.

Sommelier’s Note: Sangiovese sits at the heart of many of Tuscany’s great wines, bringing high acidity, savory character and a great structure.

It knows where it comes from. It has standards.

It brought documents and screenshots.

Aquarius — Savagnin

Aquarius does not care whether you understand Aquarius.

In fact, your confusion may be encouraging them.

Savagnin lives happily in the Jura doing strange, wonderful things while more famous grapes fight for attention elsewhere.

Perfect. Aquarius has never wanted to do something simply because everybody else is doing it.

You want the weird restaurant. The strange book. The musician with 847 monthly listeners. The bottle nobody recognises.

And the moment everybody starts liking it?

You're gone. Bye.

Why we love you: Originality.

Why you’re exhausting: Sometimes you dislike something purely because other people discovered it.

Sommelier’s Note: Savagnin produces some of the Jura's most distinctive wines, including oxidative styles that refuse to taste quite like anything else.

Of course your grape requires an explanation.

Pisces — Gewürztraminer

Pisces is currently staring out a rainy window imagining a relationship with somebody they met twice.

Gewürztraminer approves. Rose petals. Lychee. Perfume. Spice. Drama.

This is not a grape interested in realism.  And neither, occasionally, are you. What the fuck is realism anyway?

You're intuitive, romantic and capable of turning an ordinary interaction into a three-act emotional experience.

Somebody likes your Instagram story about romanticising life and  Pisces has already chosen the wedding flowers.

Why we love you: Imagination.

Why you’re exhausting: You fell in love with the potential. Again.

Sommelier’s Note: Gewürztraminer is intensely aromatic, perfumed and impossible to ignore.

Basically, if a dream sequence were fermented.

Of course, none of this means you actually have to drink your zodiac grape.

That would be ridiculous.

But the next time someone asks for your birth chart, save yourself forty minutes.

Tell them what you drink.

If it's Cabernet Sauvignon, there's probably already enough going on.